Just how perfect has been demonstrated today. Alphaboy is off on a jolly in Brighton. These events tend towards the raucous. It's good for a boy to let of steam occasionally. This morning I got a call at work from a very subdued husband. He'd lost his phone somewhere and left his bags at the flat of someone. Couldn't remember who or where though. Couldn't get in touch with the lass he was meant to be staying with today. Yadda yadda etc. My first impulse was to laugh. My second was to sort it all out. Still amused now, even after going to the bank and finding out that ,judging by the money spent last night , coke and hookers must have been involved in some capacity. Just to be clear here, I'm not actually accusing my beloved of consorting with prostitutes, but hey, that's a lot of money to spend on a kebab. I know I should probably muster some degree of wifely outrage about all of this but I can't. It makes me laugh. It is entertaining.
I think that on some level my tolerance of bad behaviour comes from the fact that I actually find it an attractive quality in a man. Bad bad feminist. Early exposure to Heathcliff and Ted Hughes have left me immune to the charms of the nice boy. I am pathetic. I have a whopping crush on Russell Brand, although less so now he appears to be calming down, and think that the most beautiful man who ever lived was Marlon Brando in A Streetcar named Desire. So when faced with the consequances of drunken stupidity I don't think, "pathetic, selfish,lazy arse" I think " excellent, how very like Richard Burton" not, perhaps, the most mature attitude but when faced with the alternatives I'd much rather shrug and laugh.
There's also an element of guilt involved. Isn't there always? I am a bit of a mare to live with. Given the chance I can't say that I wouldn't turn to the exccesses of drink. The other thing is that when we first met I was exactly the same as M. Not quite the North West's answer to Courtney Love but not far off. God we had fun. Can't remember lots of it but it was bloody great. Even our marriage was a drunken whim which happened to work out. Somewhere down the line I changed. I miss it but I can't do it on a regular basis. I think that I've used up all my serotonin reserves. The usual Tuesday come down blues got worse and worse. More and more messy. So whilst I still love the feeling of utter oblivion I can't cope with the aftermath more than a couple of times a year. I feel sad that we no longer have this interest in common. The least I can do is not deny him the pleasure I can no longer indulge in myself. So, I think that the main reason I don't get mardy when M goes off the rails is that I'm jealous. At least this way I get to stand on the sidelines. Laughing.
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